Published: October 24, 2006 07:50 pm            

Having the last word

Priorities — An old lady was standing at the rail of the cruise ship holding her hat so that it wouldn’t blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this wind?”

“Yes, I know,” said the lady.

“But I need my hands to hold onto my hat.”

“But madam,” he said, “you must know that your derriere is exposed!”

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and said, “Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old, but I just bought this hat yesterday!”



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Honesty — Serving as a Marine recruiter in western North Carolina, I found a young man who met all the requirements and was ready to enlist. I explained the importance of being truthful on the application, and he began filling out his paper work. But when he got to the question “Do you own any foreign property or have any foreign financial interests?” he looked up at me with a worried expression.

“Well,” he confessed, “I do own a Toyota.”



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News brief — The White House announced that Donald Rumsfeld’s shoulder surgery was a success — and he should be back patting himself on the back again by tomorrow.



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Halloween riddles — Who went into a witch’s den and came out alive?

The witch!

What’s the best advice you can give to a witch on a broomstick?

Don’t fly off the handle!

What’s the difference between a broomstick and a pumpkin?

Ever tried broomstick pie?

What do you call a wizard from outer space?

A flying sorcerer!

Who turns the lights off at Halloween?

The lights witch!



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The last word — A fellow was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, “We’re about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?”

The first fellow said that he wasn’t much for betting, but agreed to the terms. The second guy won the remaining 15 holes with ease.

As they were walking off number 18 and while counting his $75, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the parish priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.

The priest said, “You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings.”

“Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?” the pro asked.

“Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation,” the priest answered.

“And if you want to bring your mother and father along, I’ll marry them.”



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Smart bird — Laura Bush bought Dubyah a parrot for his birthday. She told Dick Cheney, “The bird is so smart! George has already taught him to mispronounce over 200 words!”

“Wow, that’s pretty impressive,” Cheney agreed. “But you do realize that he just says the words. He doesn’t understand what they mean.”

“That’s okay,” Laura replied. “Neither does the parrot.”



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Groaner — A mechanic who worked out of his home had a dog named Mace. Mace had a bad habit of eating all the grass on the mechanic’s lawn, so the mechanic had to keep Mace inside.

The grass eventually became overgrown.

One day the mechanic was working on a car in the backyard and dropped his wrench, losing it in the tall grass. He couldn’t find it for the life of him, so he decided to call it a day.

That night, Mace escaped from the house and ate all the grass in the backyard.

The next morning the mechanic went outside and saw his wrench glinting in the sunlight. Realizing what had happened, he looked toward the heavens and proclaimed, “A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound, that saved a wrench for me.”

— E-mail:

ckeenan@fayettetribune.com

        

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