By Cheryl Keenan
It’s true — I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- - -
Actual statements made during job interviews — I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
I feel uneasy indoors.
Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
I know who is responsible for most of my troubles.
If the pay was right, I’d travel with the carnival.
- - -
Q and A, Part I — Q) Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A) So they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
- - -
Candy from a stranger? — Following the young girl walking down the sidewalk along slowly, the man spoke to her from inside his car: “Come on and get in the car with me and I’ll give you two lollipops.”
Keeping her eyes straight ahead, she continued on her way.
Persistent, he spoke again.
“Get in the car with me and I’ll give you five lollipops!”
Not wavering, the girl steadily marched through the tree-lined neighborhood.
Desperate at last, the driver blurted out, “Get in with me and I’ll give you this whole bag of lollipops!!”
Finally, fed up with the attempts at bribery, the girl turned and said, “Look, Daddy, YOU bought the Ford, YOU ride in it!”
- - -
Park puzzlers — These are actual comments left on Canadian park registration sheets and comment cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
Escalators would help on steep uphill sections.
Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands.
Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals.
Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter.
Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them.
Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights.
Need more signs to keep area pristine.
The places where trails do not exist are not well marked.
Too many rocks in the mountains.
Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill.
The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals.
A McDonald’s would be nice at the trail head.
- - -
Declaratory statement — After telling the customs agent he had nothing in his bags but clothing, Mark was alarmed when the official decided to open them up and check.
In the very first one she opened, cushioned between his socks was a bottle of cognac.
“Nothing to declare but clothing, huh?”
“Right,” Mark extemporized. “That, madam, is my nightcap.”
- - -
Q and A, Part II — Q) Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A) No? Well, it must work then!
- - -
Express prayer — Our son had only heard his grandfather pray at Thanksgiving, Easter, and other special occasions when he, typically, said a long prayer over the food.
One night, after a fun camp-out and fishing trip, grandfather (to our son's surprise) asked a very brief blessing on the food. With a gleam in his eye, our son grinned at his Grandfather and said, “You don’t pray so long when you’re hungry, do you Grandpa?”
- - -
Just wonderin’ — Do one legged ducks swim in circles?
- - -
The creation of West Virginia — Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days.
Eventually, Michael the Archangel found Him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have You been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made!”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” replied God, and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth, and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor.”
God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
Michael, impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, “What’s that one?”
“Ah,” said God. “That’s West Virginia, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, sunsets and mountains.
“The people from West Virginia are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hard working and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, “What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!”
God replied wisely, “Wait until you see the idiots I’m putting around them in Ohio, Kentucky, Virginia, Pennsylvania and Maryland!”
- - -
Sweet groaner — A 10-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming quite knowledgeable about the Bible. Then, one day, she floored her grandmother by asking, “Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?”
— E-mail:
news@montgomery-herald.com
